This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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