All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
