birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I need to calm my uterus...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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