What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
