And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
