How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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