Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
