Slut skills are useful in every country.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
