The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
