There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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