It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
