Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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