i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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