YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
