I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
