Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
