I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
