I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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