My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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