Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
