i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
