I wanna bring you to show and tell
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
