I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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