i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
