Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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