Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
