I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
