people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
