My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
