You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
