i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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