Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
