i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
