When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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