I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
