My pussy is not your playground.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
