so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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