Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I have fence marks all over my body
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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