I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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