it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
