Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
