Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
