I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
