if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I intend to get homeless drunk
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
