I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Randomize
