It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
