I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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