apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
