i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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