i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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